why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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