The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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