I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
