Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
