Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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