I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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