So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
