i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
