wrigley field is MILF paradise
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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