Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
being pregnant is like rehab
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
