How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
