Someone shit on the floor
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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