drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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