I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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