And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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