Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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