Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
