i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
