I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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