dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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