i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
