omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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