I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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