hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
