We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
