I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
