Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
