I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
