I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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