I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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