i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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