the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
