God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
