the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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