my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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