My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
