You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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