Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
