So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
