the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
