you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
