My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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