I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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