Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
