I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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