he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
