i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
