And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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