seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
