How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
